


Their Entrails Were Not Appealing

by vinniebatman



Series: Atlantis Antics [4]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Crossover, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-01
Updated: 2013-09-01
Packaged: 2017-12-25 07:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/950089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinniebatman/pseuds/vinniebatman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Scoobies encounter the Wraith and make a friend named Fajita. Or Chucko, depending on your opinion. And Dr. Weir starts drinking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Their Entrails Were Not Appealing

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
> Warning: Again, I repeat, this is just crazy, mindless crack. Just... cracky crack crack. That's all I have to say about it.

Another day, another mission. This one was to the planet Ska, home of the Skanks. After a great deal of snickering, Ronon had explained that on a previous visit/run to the planet, its people had proved to be fairly friendly and open-minded. Like many of the peoples in the Pegasus Galaxy, the Skanks had deserted their ancient city for the forests in the hopes of escaping the notice of the Wraith. According to Ronon, the people lacked medicine, and would most likely be willing to trade from the remains of their city for medicine. So SGA-1 plus two (Faith and Dr. Beckett), had gone to visit the planet on foot. That had been four hours ago and it was currently two hours past their check in.

Major Lorne's team was going after them, but found themselves blocked. It was like the gunfight at the O.K. Corral, or perhaps the battle of Helm's Deep. Andrew wasn't sure, but he tried to look intimidating and manly as he blocked the Stargate. Well, technically, Spike, Xander, Dawn and Illyria were blocking the 'gate, with Andrew as backup.

"I'm sorry," Dr. Weir said, "But I can't allow you to go off-world on a rescue mission; none of you are cleared for this kind of a mission. In addition, Illyria is an unknown; we don't know what she'll do and Spike will burn up if he gets caught in the sunlight. In addition, the rest of you aren't fighters."

Dawn turned her pout on, bypassing 10 and going straight to 11. As they moved away from the Stargate, the tech dialed up Ska's address. As the 'gate burst to life, Lorne's team waited for the all clear. The MALP transmitted back an image, showing the area around the 'gate was clear.

"Mission is a go," Weir declared. With a nod, Lorne and his men moved out. As they moved through the event horizon, Dr. Weir got ready to shut down the 'gate. But with a flash of speed, Illyria and Spike ran at the event horizon; Dr. Weir was also fairly certain Spike had been sticking his tongue out at her, but that was neither here nor there.

"Shut it down!" Weir yelled. But before the words even left her mouth, the two supernatural beings were through the 'gate. The Stargate quickly shut off as the director turned to Andrew, Xander and Dawn, furious. Andrew wilted under the ferocity of her glare. "I told you that they were not to go! That woman . . . thing, is insane! She can't be trusted!"

Xander shrugged. "Yes she can. She may consider us primordial scum to be controlled and possibly destroyed, but we're her primordial scum to be controlled and possibly destroyed. And she considers Spike to be her pet, so she'll do what he wants, as long as he asks her right."

"Well what happens if they get caught in sunlight?"

Dawn shrugged. "It's just after sunset there; Spike will be fine. Besides, Willow gave him an amulet to protect him from sunlight."

Dr. Weir squared her jaw. "And you didn't tell me this because . . . ?"

Xander smothered a grin. "Because you didn't ask."  
  
* * * * * * * * *

_One Hour Later . . ._

"Colonel Sheppard, where are the others?" Sheppard winced as he cleared the Stargate.

"Uh, they're bringing back a . . . guest," he offered. As Dr. Weir opened her mouth for further questioning, a Wraith flew out of the Stargate, literally, before dropping to the ground and sliding to a stop. It didn't move, its head twisted to an unnatural angle. Spike and Faith emerged from the Stargate next, swaggering.

Dr. Weir blinked, pinched the bridge of her nose, took a deep, calming breath, and then spoke. "Why is there a dead Wraith here?"

"Might not be dead. And it's a test subject. To see if it can suck my life-force," Faith drawled.

"And to see if they'd make a decent snack," Spike added. Weir nodded in understanding, even though she really didn't understand what the hell they were doing.

"Might be dead?"

"Snapped its neck, so it should heal up," Spike said. Dr. Weir paused before getting ready to speak. It was then that Illyria came through the 'gate, covered in blood. She carried the heads of two Wraith, their spines still attached and covered in blood and gore.

"Illyria, why did you . . . ?" Dr. Weir started before trailing off. She wasn't sure she wanted to know. Behind her, somewhere in the control room, she could hear someone vomiting.

"They are my trophies. I slaughtered many more, but their skulls were crushed and their entrails were not appealing as trophies of my triumph."  
  
* * * * * * * * *

_Three Hours Later . . ._  
  
Colonel Caldwell marched into Dr. Weir's office. The report she'd given him was insane. It didn't make any sense no matter who was in the brig. Dr. Weir looked up at him, her eyes weary.  
  
"Yes, Colonel?"  
  
"What is this?" he asked, raising the hand that held the report. Dr. Weir sighed.  
  
"The report of the events on planet Ska," she explained, defeat evident in her voice. Caldwell stared at her. She looked so tired. Whatever was in this report was what Dr. Weir had been told, regardless of its outlandish nature.  
  
"This isn't a joke?" he questioned.  
  
"No," she said, shaking her head. Colonel Caldwell dropped into a chair. He looked down into the gate room where Illyria stood, petting the 'gate, then back at Dr. Weir.  
  
"Do you have any alcohol?"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
From her position on the floor, Dawn shut her left eye and aimed. Concentrating, her tongue between her lips, she threw the piece of popcorn. It sailed through the air and hit the force field six inches from the Wraith's head.

"Ah man, that sucks," she grumbled, leaning back against the wall where she and several other sat.

"Bad aim, Dawnie. One point," Xander declared. Xander took aim and tossed his piece of popcorn, hitting the forcefield an inch above where the Wraith's head was.

"What are the current totals?" Teyla asked Andrew. Andrew blushed before looking down as the scores.

"McKay is in last place with six points, then me with thirteen points, Xander with twenty-two points, Dr. Zelenka with twenty-three points, Dawn with twenty-five points, then you with thirty-four points, Sheppard with thirty-five points, Spike with thirty-seven points, Faith with thirty-nine points, and with a perfect score of forty, Ronon is in the lead!" Andrew declared. The group let out a series of hoots and hollers

"Be silent!" the Wraith roared, spinning to face them with a glare. The Wraith was rather grumpy, considering the fact that he'd essentially been resurrected, having recovered once its head had been turned into the correct position. The occupants fell silent for a few seconds, before the Scoobies started chuckling, which turned into gales of laughter.

"I'm sorry," Xander choked out between laughs, "But a smurf who's seen 'The Matrix' too many times isn't scary."

The Wraith snarled at them.

"You are very ugly," Dr. Zelenka added, wrinkling his nose.

"Not the ugliest thing I've seen, though," Faith said.

"Really? How do you sleep at night?" he asked, turning to look at her.

Faith shrugged. "Usually I go for a run. Or have sex."

Dr. Zelenka blushed. "Oh, I see. Do you, ah, I mean, how-."

"You offering assistance, Dr. Z?" Faith asked.  Zelenka blushed.

"Well, you are kinda cute, and you get major points for being bold." Faith leered at him, then turned away and launched her popped, buttery-goodness projectile. The Wraith was still glaring at them as the snack food hit the forcefield right in front of the its nose.

"That's how ya do it!" Faith yelled. The Wraith started growling as Dr. Zelenka launched his own piece of popcorn and hit the Wraith's chest area.

"You know, Andrew, you were right; they do look like the Son'a," Xander said.

"Son'a?" Teyla asked before taking her turn. Her popcorn hit near the Wraith's cheek. Smiling at her, Andrew rushed to answer her, absently tossing his popcorn kernel in the direction of the cell.

"Yes, in the film 'Star Trek: Insurrection,' the Son'a was a race of aliens who constantly had the skin of their faces stretched tight to keep them looking young."

"Really?" Dawn asked. "Because I think he looks like Vincent Price in "Tales of Terror," you know, when he plays that dead/undead guy." She paused. "We should call him Fajita."

"Nah, they just look like rotten corpses to me. And his name is Chucko," Spike said. He threw his piece of popcorn and hit the forcefield right between Fajita/Chucko's eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, you're both right," Rodney grumbled, crossing his arms across his chest and pouting. John sighed as he launched his kernel and hit the area in front of Chucko's mouth.

"What's wrong, Rodney?"

"I have the lowest score!" he whined. Sheppard shook his head as Rodney half-heartedly tossed his popcorn, hitting the general area of Fajita's knee.

"It's okay, Rodney. It's just a game," he explained, wrapping an arm around the scientist's shoulders. Luckily, it was a gesture that seemed friendly, but not too friendly. He squeezed Rodney's shoulder in encouragement.

"Well that's easy for you to say! I'm being beaten by a nerd and a guy with one eye!"

"Just blame the popcorn," Andrew suggested, staring at Teyla. He was contemplating ways to get her dressed as Seven of Nine someplace other than his dreams and fantasies.

Rodney nodded. "Well, it is an unbalanced projectile," he sniffed.

"Hey Spike," Xander said.

"Yeah."

"I thought you said Illyria couldn't do that time warp thing any more."

"Me too. But she was saying something about borrowing the energy of the 'gate. Or something. Maybe because she borrows it and uses it, instead of just holding it all in, it doesn't mess with her body," he theorized. Ronon threw a piece of popcorn at the Wraith and, like Spike had, hit Chuckita between the eyes. Dawn looked at him, then at her own bit of popcorn.

As she raised her hand to aim again, she attempted to mimic Ronon's throw. Shaking his head, Ronon scooted closer to her. Wrapping an arm around her, he pulled her close. Dawn's eyes widened and her breath caught in her chest.

"Like this," he rumbled, helping her position her arm. Dawn stared at him as he moved her arm. "You have to look the other way to aim."

Dawn blushed and quickly looked away. This time when she threw, the popcorn hit force field right in front of the Wraith's face.

"Awesome.  Do I get a prize for that?" she asked.

Ronon looked down at her, a lazy grin spreading across his face.  "Maybe."

  
* * * * * * * * *

_Mission Report of Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard._

_At approximately 10:00 hours, I went through the Stargate to a planet called Ska, accompanied by Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan, Ronon Dex, Faith LeHane, and Dr. Carson Beckett. Dex had previously visited the planet approximately four years ago as a runner. When we arrived on the planet, it was late afternoon. According to Dex, the nearest encampment was approximately one mile down a small trail. We walked the distance and arrived only to find the encampment destroyed. Due to the absence of any bodies, we came to the conclusion that the planet had been culled._

_According to Dr. McKay's readings and Dex's memory, the Ancient city was located two miles away. All evidence indicated that the planet had been culled at least six months earlier. Dr. McKay argued that we should still check the ruins to see if any Ancient tech was salvageable, and I gave the go ahead based on the information we had, which indicated that the planet was uninhabited. We walked to the city only to discover that the city was not empty. There was a Wraith ship with an approximate compliment of twenty. We attempted to retreat to the 'gate unnoticed, but were discovered. They fired their stunner weapons and took out Doctors McKay and Beckett first. We got pinned down behind the remains of a building and in the ensuing firefight, Dex and I were hit. Faith later confirmed that she'd scaled the wall to escape the Wraith._

_I later awoke chained in what appeared to be the main chamber of their ship. Ronon was already awake, and then Dr. McKay, Teyla, and Dr. Beckett awoke. The Wraith leader was seated at a small table that held our weapons and radios, and six drones stood guarding the room. The Wraith leader then began to interrogate us. We told it nothing, so it decided to feed on us. Before it could do so, Illyria entered and stood in the entrance. Two of the drones fired on her, but their stunner weapons appeared to have no effect on her. The Wraith leader told the drones to stand down and began to question Illyria. Illyria then said something along the lines of "I am Illyria, god-king of the primordium, shaper of things, these are my pets, I demand their release." The Wraith laughed, at which point she appeared next to the leader, having moved quicker than I was able to process. She grabbed the leader and ripped his head off. Literally. She did this by holding its shoulder, then grabbing it by the neck and ripping the head off._

_This was when the bulk of the fight began. Spike and Faith then entered and started fighting in hand-to-hand combat, dodging stunner blasts. Two more Wraith entered the room and engaged in the fight. Outside of the room, I could hear P-90s being fired, presumably by Major Lorne's team. Faith, Spike, and Illyria fought quickly, preferring to decapitate the Wraith. Using a sword and dagger, Miss LeHane killed two Wraith. Using a sword, Spike killed two and snapped the neck of one, which was brought back with us to Atlantis. Illyria crushed the head of one, using a single punch, and ripped the head off of another. After the all the Wraith had been neutralized, Illyria ripped our chains apart and released us. Once we'd retrieved our weapons, we left the room in formation. According to Major Lorne, they had neutralized seven Wraith. On the return trip through to the Stargate, we encountered and killed two more. We returned to Atlantis at approximately 14:00 hours, Atlantis time._


End file.
